Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
