I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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