Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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