"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
