I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
