Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
