You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
