I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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