bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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