The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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