Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
