ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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