its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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