who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
