Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
