you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
