You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
