i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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