so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
