I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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