The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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