my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
