Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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