i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
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I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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