I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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