I love black thongs
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
