I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
two words: eviction party
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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