You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You ruined the universe
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
