I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I party with great urgency now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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