No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
