im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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