FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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