Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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