your parents love me but you hate me
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
