You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
