Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
