I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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