I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.