What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...