ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
