im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
