You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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