No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
