So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
