How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
