ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
