So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
