Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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