I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
