It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
