All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
