oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
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I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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