We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
