Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
