I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.