i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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