We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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