he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
