...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
